The Psychological Polywere

Update

Seraphyna — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 02:55:13 GMT

It has come to my attention that apparently my beliefs are not entirely clear (and I haven't updated my personal identification here) so let's get to it.

I have officially taken the term 'polywere' as my title instead of polymorph. This is seemingly splitting hairs to some so they'll ask why and what does it matter. Well, a polymorph is commonly believed to be a spiritual being who is unlimited in forms it may take. As my 'other' types are all physical and I am limited to animals when I shift, polywere is much more fitting. While not all of my forms that are *me* are earthly animals, they're all non-magical, feral, animals. I suppose this brings me to 'what is *me*':

African/mountain lioness

Black tip reef shark/mershark shifter (a black tip that goes from true shark to loosely humanoid mershark)

Feline dragon (like a lioness-Western dragon cross)

Now some clarification on why I believe I have a non human identity and on 'fitting in' with anyone and any animal. I believe that it is psychological and/or neurological. Period. I believe that it is a result of my brain's adaptation(s) to traumas from my childhood starting at birth with a possible link to my brain's chemistry. When I'm around other people I tend to subconsciously take on their mannerisms and accent...nothing else. Not their likes and dislikes, not their emotions, not their problems. I am apathetic towards them if I don't know them...yet I still take on any outward things that would allow me to better fit in. Or should I say my brain does. The way I blend in is like a human chameleon...not like some sort of super empath. The same sort of thing happens with animals...I shift to whatever animal(s) I'm around (aside from the above things that are *me* at my core). It's not a trait thing, or a 'oo this animal is cool' thing...it's a fitting in thing...it helps me blend.

Finally, when you ask me who I am I cannot answer because I am something of a blank slate. I'm not depressed...regular exercise naturally balanced my brain chemistry years ago. I'm just tabula rasa, my brain waiting to see who or what I need to be to blend. Sometimes physical things are just physical and psychological things are just brain related. Not everything is spiritual...though the human brain is a funny enough place where it will find ways to back up any belief, even in the face of contrary evidence...think about that one all of you hyper-spiritual people who insist that everything must be spiritual at its core.

Sometimes it's just....not. Period.

The Outsider

Seraphyna — Fri, 25 May 2012 01:29:19 GMT

The more time I spend in the greater otherkin community and the therian community, the more I feel like I don't have a home in either. I'm not a therian because my shifts aren't just earthly animals...and I'm not like most otherkin because of the whole psychological explanation thing...the hyper spiritual nature of most 'kin communities just doesn't fit and I find myself having nothing to say and people having little to say to me in either place. I make articles...and get no replies.
And it's not just online. I feel like I have no one who understands all of me. My friends here don't know about my beliefs, mainly because I know they wouldn't get it. The one person I'd most likely tell dated a guy in the past who identified as a fire elemental...and from her experience with him she has decided that everyone with those sort of beliefs is nuts. My friends who do know don't live near me. So I have no one to talk to offline really...and no significant other to want to tell either.
Then there's the whole identity issue in general...and do I just not really fit either community because of what I identify as and why? Or am I not really otherkin at all. I'm adopted...and the more I read about adoptees and their pscyhology the more I run into the common thread of adoptees not feeling human, not identifying with their families or people in general, and even some going so far as to latch onto an animal or whatever so strongly as to "become" that animal. So am I otherkin? Or am I just another adoptee? And even if it's the psychology of the adoptee does that make it any less valid? Does that mean that if I "fix" the psychological crap stemming from being adopted that this otherkin stuff will vanish? I mean once I no longer need to identify myself somehow because I have no idea about my actual lineage and where I come from that I'll abandon it? That if I don't need it that it won't be there and thus it won't be real?
...aaaaand now I'm just babbling. I guess the bottom line is I just feel like I have no home and no sense of who I am and it's getting damn lonely.

Human Moment

Seraphyna — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 23:26:52 GMT

A thread on a forum I belong to asks what moments of otherkin related happiness one has recently had. It occurred to me that my most recent moment of true happiness (and great achievement) had nothing to do with otherkin at all. I finished a half marathon yesterday...and surprisingly I had zero shifts along the way. It's especially suprising since I almost always have some form of shift when I run. Usually claws and teeth seemingly belonging to some flavor of large feline or the urge to track something down or just let loose and let fly.

What really got me in thinking about it was that the entire race was a fully human experience, probably my first ever. I have no explanation for it, just theories. Maybe the sheer exhaustion of it all? But then, that didn't kick in until mile 7...so that's 7 miles I usually shift during. I don't know, but whatever the reason it was actually wonderful to have such a human experience. I can't say what it means or if it'll ever happen again, but there you have it.

Finding the "real you"

Seraphyna — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 05:12:28 GMT

Here is my current identity crisis type thing...

I notice that as a polymorph, and a psychological one at that, I often can be what I feel I need to be or want to be, but I've kind of lost track of who I am...if that makes any sense. Like, my personality is maleable enough to the point where I notice that my personality often changes depending on who I'm around and I pick up on other people's accents and such...but under all the shifts in personality and so forth I can't honestly say who I am.

I feel like other people can list off what makes them who they are and traits they have, but I can't. I don't know what makes me me aside from the fact that I don't know. That I feel like I'm everyone and anyone, that I have the potential to be what someone wants me to be (with a few exceptions like I never know what to say to people to comfort them)...but don't know who *I* am.

Anyone else relate?